Hey Dear Friends and Readers.

We are half-way through February and I cannot believe how fast this winter is flying by. We have been in Pagosa for over a month already and in so many ways it feels like we just got here and yet it seems longer. For me, Leah, it seems that the time drags on. While I love it here and am in awe every time I look at these stunner mountains, I am also feeling a little cabin fever. I am in a waiting game, I technically have 2 jobs but neither of them are giving me hours yet. For the one I am waiting on my massage therapy license and will be working at a spa as soon as it arrives; just in time for busy spring break! The other is working as a caregiver to older people who need a little help, or I will be when I get the hours.

The thing is as soon as I start working I know things will be busy and I will yearn for all the free time I have now, but right now I yearn to be busy! Have you ever felt this way? The past two and a half years I’ve felt this way and I have struggled to find my worth not in my busy-ness but in who I am, who I really am, not what I do. Waxing philosophically on this never works for me, who is a little too much in the physical to deny my flesh and feast my soul. I know that complaining about too much time makes me an unpopular person with many of you and I get that. But really, it is a heart issue that many of us struggle with but mask with all the to-dos of today and tomorrow. We define ourselves by the work we do, but let me ask you, when the work goes away, what is left?

This is something that has been staring me in the face for my entire married life. Before I was married I was a confident, busy, working woman, most times with 2 jobs. Independent in so many ways, financially, physically, and emotionally. Until, this amazing man entered my life and I was smitten and ready to be dependent like I never thought I would before. I looked forward to the months after we married to be still and be a wife. We thought we would only be in PA for a couple months, so I didn’t bother looking for a job and then we decided to stay a little longer so I went to school for massage therapy. We continued to talk about moving so I put off seriously looking for anything and before we knew it it had been 2 years. Before this season I had looked forward to those days that stretched ahead of me to do anything I liked sans schedule. Until I resented not having a schedule. My confidence blown.

My husband is the best, he has never insisted I have a job, in fact he always expected to be the one to provide. My pride didn’t like this one bit. I felt that in order to have power I needed to make money, and in order not to feel like a fool, a nobody, a slacker in society I needed a job. I needed a title. More than ever I discovered that to not have a title made me and others around me nervous and awkward. The number one question when meeting someone for the first time, or meeting a familiar face on the street? Is about your job. I found out I have nothing to talk about, I felt left out. I felt like a nobody.

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so Disturbed within me?… Cabin fever. I have seen the instagrams of people dreaming of being snowed in a mountain cabin for days with a warm cuppa and a good book. I live that life everyday and yet it gets old. There are great things in my life and yet I cannot find joy in them. I continually try to pull myself up by my bootstraps, finding things to occupy my time and attention, because this is what it looks like to be productive in society. Clean, cook, see a friend, help a neighbor. And yet at the end of the day I feel defeated, unproductive. Why? Because I look to the things of this world to fill me, I chase after that which will wither, rust and decay. I put my hope in things, people’s opinions, lists checked off.

When I take time to sit at His feet I somehow let the things of this world creep in and steal that intimacy, without fail guilt buzzes in my ear that I can’t languish, but should be “doing” something productive. I should be…and then I leave the Throne room disappointed, empty and lacking. It’s no wonder, I’m feasting on that which does not fill for fear that I am not enough. What a vicious cycle I’ve been in. I know and yet have not instilled that I need that languishing time at His feet to know that I am enough, to feast and know who I am, who I really am truly and not what I do. For in the throne room you are not known by what you do, but who you are, and how you are known by the Father’s Heart. In turn I don’t really know who I am without knowing who my Heavenly Father is and what He has done for me, the things he has gone through to get me there to the throne room. To let Him wash me in the water of His word.

Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen that which is better (to sit at the feet of Jesus), and it will not be taken from her. Do not store up for yourself treasures on this earth where moth and rust destroy, where thieves break in and steal. But store up your treasures in Heaven, for where your treasure is there will your heart be also.

Why are you downcast o my soul? Why so disturbed within me?

I am Martha, but I am moving towards Mary, even if in the natural you and I can’t see it yet. I want to say it is finished, I have figured it out and I no longer strive, but the truth is I am Martha, my nature is Martha but my spirit was made to be Mary. That is why I yearn so and why my soul yearns. Blessed are those that hunger and thirst for they will be filled. Today I rest in that. I put my Hope in Jesus and believe that my hunger before Him, for Him, will be satisfied by Him. Same goes for you dear friend.

Those who sow in tears, will reap with songs of joy. He who goes out weeping carrying seed to sow, will return with songs of joy carrying sheaves with him.

Put your HOPE in God, for I will yet praise Him, my Savior and God.

He is worthy.

Be still, and know that HE IS GOD.

As Red Green says, “We’re all in this together,” we all struggle, that’s why we have each other. That’s why we have the Word, and His Spirit. Thanks for letting me lean on you today, even though I’ve been doing all the talking, allowing me to verbalize the storm inside of me has encouraged my inner man. For that I am grateful dear reader.

Many Blessings,

Leah